Counterfeit Forgiveness

"There's no way I can forgive this person for what they did to me (or my child or my friend)! They knew exactly what they were doing."

So often Christians can't or won't forgive. Often the reason is that they have accepted a counterfeit forgiveness. To grasp what true forgiveness is, we must examine these common counterfeits.

Counterfeit 1: Excusing
A speeding car driven by a drunk swerves on a wet street and kills a twelve-year-old boy. If his devout parents believe they must excuse the driver because he was drunk, they will not forgive.
Excusing says, "I see you couldn't help it or didn't mean it; you weren't really to blame." That would be a lie.

Forgiveness is the opposite of excusing. It reaches beyond excusing. Forgiveness acknowledges that drunken driving is inexcusable but pardons the offender anyway.
Excusing has its place, however. Many times there are extenuating circumstances. When we discover the circumstances that motivated a person, our understanding enables us to make allowances for them.

But make no mistake, excusing is not forgiveness. One writer notes, that such excusing "is not Christian charity; it is only fair-mindedness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in us."

Counterfeit 2: Minimizing the Hurt
We often deal with petty injuries by telling ourselves it doesn't matter. A child breaks her aunt's teacup and is graciously told, "That's all right, dear, I didn't like that pattern anyway."
Maturity dictates we put our injuries into proper perspective; we must be slow to take offense. The danger comes, however, when we confuse minimizing the hurt with true forgiveness.
If our primary reaction when we're harmed by another is to tell ourselves feebly, it really didn't hurt that much, there are times it just won't wash. Rob may be able to overlook a bully punching him at the bus stop, but what does he do when gang members scar his face for life?
Unless we see the difference between acting as if the injury is minor and pardoning one who has hurt us deeply, we will eventually find ourselves unwilling to "forgive."

Counterfeit 3. Blind Trust
"I've found drugs in Jim's room so often that I can't trust him, no matter how sincerely he assures me he'll stop. Does this mean I haven't forgiven him?"

Forgiving isn't the same as trusting. There is a vast difference between forgiveness and trust; one is given, the other is earned.

To someone faced with a person who perpetually breaks their promise, you can forgive them. However, this doesn't mean you must necessarily believe their next promise. It does mean that you must make every effort to kill every trace of resentment in your own heart--every wish to humiliate or hurt them or to “pay them back”.

Counterfeit 4: Forgive and Forget
A vague anxiety gnaws at a woman who was once assaulted. Her mind replays the crime over and over. If she cannot forget, has she forgiven?

Do you suppose that when the books are opened on the great day of judgment described in Revelation 20:12 (And the books were opened, including the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to what they had done, as recorded in the books.), will all our sins that we have asked Him forgiveness for, be recorded there? Or has God suffered eternal amnesia? Is it impossible for Him to remember?

No. God chooses not to remember our sins. The New Testament twice cites Jeremiah 31:34 (in Hebrews 8:12 and 10:17), as if to emphasize the point: "And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins.”

"Not remembering" is by no means equal to "forgetting absolutely." It means not making an effort to recall something to mind.

God has not wiped out His memory banks concerning our sins; rather, He has chosen not to call them to mind against us again. Our sins are probably recorded in God's books, but over each one is written in bold red letters "Forgiven."

This distinction between forgiveness and still having painful memories is crucial. When we've forgiven, we choose not to call a person's sins to mind against them. Yet until God's healing is fully worked in our minds, the memory of the hurt and pain may overwhelm us again and again.
Each time, we must write "Forgiven" over the person who hurt us. Even though we must sometimes recall painful memories for them to be healed, we must refuse to allow the enemy the luxury of salting them with bitterness. In response to our prayerful determination, God our Father supplies the strength to resist the temptation to dwell on the person's sin.

Forgiveness doesn't require forgetting; only choosing not to call to mind repeatedly while God heals the memories.

The Genuine Article
"To err is human, to forgive is divine," Alexander Pope reminds us. Genuine forgiveness--pardoning an inexcusable, devastating injury--is a miracle. If we are to understand what forgiveness is, we must see it as God sees it.

God did not excuse our sins. If it would have been enough to cite our inherent weakness or some extenuating circumstances, the Father would never have sent His Son to suffer the torture of crucifixion. God does not pretend. Our pitiful pretense at independence from our Creator, our negligence, and our sins are inexcusable. The only rebuttal to sin is the bold, unilateral deed of the Offended One: "Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but he died for sinners to bring you safely home to God." (1 Peter 3:18).

Neither did God meet our defiance by denying His hurt. The pain when we're deceived by a casual acquaintance is nothing compared with the pain of being betrayed by one we hold dear. Our Father refused to lessen His hurt by disowning His love for us. His love will not let us go.
At the bedrock of our faith lies this assurance: "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8, NIV). Forgiveness is the working of God's love.

A trivial injury or one that's excusable needs no forgiveness. Forgiveness is pardoning one who has truly wronged us, "just as God through Christ has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32).

We can't separate God's forgiveness of us from our willingness to forgive those who have injured us. We pray, “forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us." (Matthew 6:12)

A Decision by Faith
What is forgiveness, then? A choice--a faith decision--not to hold a sin against a person any longer. It is not based on merit, but on grace. Its example is the cross. We dare not confuse it with emotion.

Although “better” feeling will eventually follow if we stick to our choice to forgive despite temptations to bitterness, the feeling is not the forgiveness. It may be agony even to think about forgiving a past injury, but God will gradually enable us if we let Him. And the very decision to forgive releases God's power to restore our damaged emotions.

Jesus leaves no room in His Word for His followers to have an unforgiving spirit, even if the offender never shows any remorse for what they did. He directs His disciples: "But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:44-45).

The apostle Paul makes it clear that revenge is not for us, “Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD. (Romans 12:9)

Christians must forgive. No one said forgiving is easy. But we cannot be satisfied with quick counterfeits. Like our Father, we must face sins squarely and pardon them boldly, enabled by His grace.

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