How to Keep From Getting Hurt in Church

The title of this lesson may seem to be rather unusual. After all, we would suppose the church to be a safe place – right? However, unfortunately, the church has sometimes been a place where many have experienced wounds instead of healing. In fact, statistics show that a great percentage of persons who cease attending church, do so because of some type of offense or injury to their feelings that happened there. Sometimes these occur because of the insensitivity of the church; other times, people are themselves at fault for being too touchy or sensitive to misunderstandings. In any case, it is sad that such experiences ever occur, because the church is an indispensable part of the believer's life. Not only does it provide a place to worship, serve and learn about God, but it is also a community where Believers can practice love toward their brethren as the Bible requires; "But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).

Whatever you do, don't give up on the church. God requires you to be faithful to it and to be accountable to its spiritual leaders. (See Hebrews 10:25; 13:17). If you have been hurt there, don't run away – but equip yourself with the protection of God's Word. You may not be able to stop offensive things from happening, but by applying God's principles you can stop them from hurting you. "Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them" (Psa 119:165 KJV).

The following steps can help believers protect themselves from getting hurt in a church:

Avoid developing unreasonable expectations of the church — “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.” (Psa. 62:5).

The definition of disappointment is “the failure to attain one’s expectations.” Don’t expect things from the church or the minister that they can’t deliver, or that the Bible doesn’t teach for them to do.

Occasionally people get disappointed when they find out their church can’t supply all their earthly needs. Most ministers and churches do attempt to help people in every way they can especially during crisis and emergencies. But a church cannot meet all of member’s financial needs.

Learn to place your expectations upon God — He will always be faithful to His promises in His Word and will never let you down.

Don’t place an absolute trust in people — “This is what the LORD says: “Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the LORD.” (Jer. 17:5).

Come to terms with the fact that everyone is human and will fail you at some time or another. Even the pastor will make mistakes. The only one you can trust entirely without fail is God.
There’s a difference between “love” and “trust.” It’s possible to love and forgive someone, without placing an absolute trust in them.

Remember that love and forgiveness is granted unconditionally, but trust must be “earned.” Since all of us have potential for failure, we should never put all our trust in anyone but God.

Focus on common ground — “Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment” (1 Cor. 1:10).

Avoid becoming highly opinionated. Our “opinions” can cause division or promote sinful debates and quarrels (Rom. 1:29). Opinionated people are prone to get hurt when others disagree with them.

Naturally every believer has his or her own convictions about a great many things, but if you continually try to push your opinions on others, conflict will eventually emerge. Avoid controversy over scriptures which are vague or “grey” and can lead to many interpretations — stand fast upon those common, basic truths — Jesus, His life, death and resurrection!

Don’t expect any church to be perfect — “And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. (Rom. 7:18-19)

It is remarkable to consider that the Apostle Paul openly confessed that he was not perfect. Like us, he experienced struggles in his flesh to do the right things. If Paul admitted to this, it should not seem too strange if we find others in the church struggling with imperfections too.

Since churches are made up of people like you and me who have imperfections, there will never be such a thing as a perfect church. Unless people understand this, they’ll have an unrealistic view of the church, and will eventually become disillusioned and hurt.

Avoid blaming the church for personal problems — “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! (Isaiah 26:3).
When you go to church, you should try to dissociate the church from the other personal problems you deal with. The majority of hurt feelings in a church result from wounds and sensitivities people carry in with them. Such things as a low self esteem, abuse as a child, marital problems, personal offenses, family conflict, a root of bitterness, health problems or job dissatisfaction can twist your interpretation of words and actions. You may imagine misinterpret well-intended words as an offense. Trivial problems will seem like big problems. Remember this: Don’t jump to conclusions over anything, because things are usually not as bad as they seem.

Treat others as you wish to be treated — “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets” (Matt. 7:12).

Human beings tend to reflect the way they are treated. Be gracious, encouraging, and a blessing for others to be around. If you have a negative, critical attitude toward people it will tend to generate their critical attitude toward you.

Many hurt feelings can be avoided if we will realize that people usually react to how we deal with them. Take a close examination at the way you say things. Don’t be rude and impolite. Check your attitude that you’re not overbearing and bossy.

Have a teachable, cooperative attitude — Obey your spiritual leaders, and do what they say. Their work is to watch over your souls, and they are accountable to God. Give them reason to do this with joy and not with sorrow. That would certainly not be for your benefit. (Heb. 13:17).

As long as you are a part of any particular church, you must come to accept that the pastor and leaders are in charge there. Regardless of how unqualified you might think they are, God recognizes them as the authority in that body and will hold them accountable to that responsibility. Consequently, God holds you accountable to respect their authority, to pray for them, and to cooperate — not to be defiant and rebellious.

Always be cooperative, willing to humble yourself. If you have a rigid, inflexible attitude in the church you will probably get hurt.

Be devoted to love and forgiveness — “Anyone who loves another brother or sister is living in the light and does not cause others to stumble.” (1 John 2:10).

Without doubt, it is not possible to have a relationship with a group of people without occasional misunderstandings and offenses. However, Christians will avoid a lot of problems if they will just commit themselves to an unconditional love for their brethren. The practice of loving the brethren — all the brethren, not just the lovable ones — keeps us from stumbling. Never forget that Jesus takes personally how we entreat our Christian brothers and sisters. When we love even the “least” of our brethren, Jesus accepts that love toward Himself (Matt. 25:40). You cannot love the Lord any more than you love the least in the body of Christ. “If someone says, I love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?” (1 John 4:20).

Be quick to forgive and don’t hold grudges. Unforgiveness and bitterness is one of the greatest reasons why people get hurt in the church and probably the greatest cause of apostasy — falling away. Remember that unforgiveness is one of your greatest enemies. See what Jesus says: “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14-15).